Redemption
by abeautifulexit
Summary: A insight into how Clarke may have been feeling at the end of 3x05 with Lexa's choice, however this time there is a different ending.


FYI : I don't particularly like publishing what I write so I just hope anybody who reads this enjoys it, for me it was just a release to write about two characters who I admire, so here goes.

 **Redemption**

Similar to at Mount Weather, Clarke stands before Lexa, her eyes brimming with tears and a look of utter disbelief awash her face. This time however for entirely different reasons. Now these tears threatened to fall for the right reasons. Whether Lexa was choosing with her head or her heart, Clarke could not decipher. In this moment, amongst her people she was still Heda, so she portrayed her usual stoicism. Her posture rigid and her arms fixed behind her back. The air is thick, the enormity of the Commanders decision feeling heavy in the room and Clarke is left paralyzed by it. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. Clarke has questions burning at the forefront of her mind. They are not questions that can be answered in the presence of others, so for a brief moment she allows herself to contemplate the developments of the day.

Every day since Mount Weather had been rife with pain and struggle. The personal struggle now was nothing new to Clarke, today however was proving too much, the emotional torment weighing her down. She is torn, torn between her people and Lexa.

To think this morning she had felt almost happy for the first time in 3 months. Lexa and she had rode side by side on the return to her people. Lexa had insisted and Clarke could not find it within herself to decline. Clarke had felt butterflies when Lexa had stated they were returning with peace, and had flashed her that beautiful but all too rare smile. It was however by Clarke's personal mental count (one she would never admit to having) becoming far more common. She had quickly dismissed those butterflies though, their presence so soon after their reunion was troubling to say the least. Their relationship was, despite Clarke's efforts to deny it, repairing itself day by day. Her resistance towards Lexa by this point was wavering immensely.

Yet for the rest of the day Clarke had not a moment to linger or reconcile herself with the ever growing pounding in her heart she felt whenever Lexa was present. She could not allow it to consume her and the discovery of those 300 bodies massacred by her own had made sure that at least temporarily, it would not.

That was up until now. Now she was before the Commander once again, their eyes locked in on one another, the watch of Indra and the other grounders irrelevant. In moments like these it was just the two of them, the world a blur but the person before them in focus. Clarke surveyed her eyes, her body language, and the movement in her neck as she attempted to swallow her feelings. It wasn't subtle, not to Clarke. Although her demeanour outwardly depicted her position of Commander to those around them, Clarke knew her, truly. The cracks in her behaviour were evident, the Commander was losing her battle of keeping Lexa at bay. It was becoming more frequent, Clarke thought that Lexa acted on behalf of the Commander rather than vice versa. Even on a day like today, where the Commander needed to show complete strength in order to carry the burden of such losses for her people, she could not help but afford a certain softness towards Clarke. Her actions demonstrated as much.

Lexa had given her the opportunity to return to her people, to attain a possible resolution. The Commanders initial reaction had been to imprison Clarke, but Lexa could not deny Clarke the chance to fix the situation. She knew Clarke would try to fix it, after all it was her nature and Lexa had made her aware of that fact most recently.

The Sky People had offered nothing. They knew this was defiant of the newly formed coalition, they knew it was an act of war but still they offered nothing, no resolution. Even Bellamy. He felt their cowardly actions were valid, his anger controlled him and Pike was cleverly harnessing that. Clarke thought rationale would allow them to see this was a betrayal of a far higher degree than that at Mount Weather. That this was an alliance forged with burnt skin and a ceremony both public and private. Not just a rudimental agreement between two leaders. Clarke found herself understanding more than ever why the Commander often chose to lead by rules in black and white. The Sky people were the epitome of allowing your emotions to rule you.

Considering this Clarke did understand Bellamy's readiness to blame her for his actions, she had done exactly the same with Lexa. It was the easiest option, the easiest way to absolve yourself from the abhorrence of your choices. It was in fact his lack of remorse that truly disturbed Clarke, his willingness to manipulate a moment where she was entirely emotionally vulnerable. He had handcuffed her, intending to make her a prisoner in what was supposed to be her home. What he had told her was her home, her people. Although Clarke contemplated for the second time today that this was not her home. Lexa had said it herself, Clarke had been living with the enemy. She had been living with the apparent enemy but had never felt like that, never like a prisoner. When Clarke had broken down before Lexa after threatening her life, Lexa had given her the option to leave. No matter the consequences, she would have allowed her to leave. Clarke didn't even want to begin to think of the possible consequences. The reality was that Lexa had been right, Polis had changed the way Clarke thought about the grounders. Moments like that had been part of her realisation that perhaps now she felt more at home there amongst the grounders than she ever would again at Arkadia. The idea fleeting through her mind that perhaps home was how she now felt around Lexa.

Clarke had run into a dead end in attempting to resolve matters with the Sky People. The democratic election of Pike as leader as incomprehensible as it was, had ensured this, a nail in the coffin so to speak. The fact that he managed to gain Bellamy's support meant Clarke ultimately had nowhere to turn. Her influence in her absence away from Arkadia had waned. Clarke's options from this moment were limited. Ultimately she knew there was one place and with one person in particular her influence still held up, in fact it was an influence that appeared to be growing daily.

So with this in mind she had taken a calculated gamble upon appealing to the Commander to change the way she operates, to change part of the very foundation her people had built their civilisation upon. She knew the Commander was a visionary and that her achievements as Commander were unparalleled. She was realistic though. Enough to see this was a stretch even by her standards. Not long ago the Commander had stood triumphant above Roan declaring once again that blood must have blood, before directing a spear directly into The Ice Queen. She had ensured that blood must have blood, she always had. She could only hope that her appeal fought its way through the Commanders walls and found Lexa. She knew Lexa could see reason, she trusted her. After all, her people were now their people.

It still came as a shock when the Commander had stated she would do it, that blood must not have blood. Mostly it had felt wildly out of character for the Commander to have approved such a proposition, especially in front of her people, in front of Indra. In direct opposition of the adopted motto of her people. Was this not a sign of weakness the Commander was not permitted to show? This version of the Commander seemed remarkably different to the one that turned her back on Mount Weather, or so she thought. As Indra had voiced, this was not a decision that her people would accept easily. This was a decision of the highest stakes. If successful it would set a new precedent for the coalition, it would be a political statement of exceptional proportions. A statement that mercy could be a valid trait of a Commander. That it was not a sign of weakness. If the nature of the situation had not been so serious Clarke would have allowed herself to laugh. The Commander loved a statement, she dealt in drama.

This outcome was unfortunately most unlikely. Instead they faced the likely reality that at best the Commander would face another vote of no confidence. At worst they would see her dead. Lexa dead. The thought made Clarke's chest tighten. The Commander was taking a huge chance. She wasn't one to take chances, especially not when it involved the safety of her people, Clarke knew this best. How would the Commander convince them the Sky People would not commit such atrocities against her people again? It was a tough task, audacious to say the least, Clarke was not even sure she would be able to convince herself of it.

Clarke however considered for more than a moment, this was not out of character for Lexa. The Lexa she knew when they were alone was entirely different to the Commander. Lexa was the girl who showed up at her room at night looking both radiant and vulnerable, in a dress that exposed enough for Clarke to wake up in the night panting, with a familiar feeling between her thighs. She was the girl who had gotten down on her knees and swore fealty to her people, knowing the risk she was taking. Most of all she was the girl who had kissed her, in the softest way one could imagine. She was the one who had tenderly taken her lips between her own, caressing them like she wanted to feel and savour every movement. She was the one who brushed their noses together asking for more. Clarke had been the one to deny her that, to deny herself that.

The endeavours of Lexa to atone for her actions at Mount Weather were becoming increasingly momentous. It was confusing for Clarke. When brought to Polis she had fed nothing but negativity towards Lexa, and yet each time she was faced with a gesture that illustrated such compassion and dare she think it, love. Lexa was giving and giving and Clarke realised she was offering nothing in return.

Reliving these moments whilst in the company of Lexa was becoming overwhelming. This realisation did not help matters. She felt an urgency at the pit of her stomach, she needed to know the reason for this choice. Whether it was the choice of the Commander or of Lexa. She wanted them to be alone, those questions she had put on the backburner rushing back and sitting on the tip of her tongue.

Clarke takes a slight step forward and lifts the silence

"Ask them to leave"

Lexa regards her, the slight lift of her eyebrow questioning Clarke, her motives. The Commander had made this demand many times before, but Clarke had never requested it.

The silence was back. Clarke silently pleads and Lexa understands. Their connection these days so powerful there is almost no need for words. The ability to hold two conversations in the company of others, one including everyone and the second for themselves. It's written entirely in body language, in tone, subtleties only they are privy to.

So Lexa just nods, an ever more familiar gesture between the two of them. The silence is broken once more, this time by the Commander.

"Assist Indra and then leave us"

In the time it takes for her people to leave, Lexa and Clarke never take their eyes off one another, not once. Only once her people have gone and they are left gazing at one another with such intensity, does Clarke shift her eyes to the ground and back up. She needs to gather some composure, from somewhere, anywhere.

"Clarke"

There it is, the way she says her name, like it's the most precious word she could speak, like she relishes the feel of the letters leaving her mouth, the enunciation of the 'k', it sends shivers down her spine that radiate throughout her entire body. Clarke knows what is coming next so she answers before Lexa has the opportunity to even finish.

"I need to ask you something and I know I won't get the truth in front of your people"

Lexa looks confused, her brow furrows and she licks her bottom lip nervously. Her mind racing with possibilities of what Clarke is about to ask her. This is why Clarke needed to be alone with her, the Commander would never look nervous, Lexa however that was a different story.

Despite her apparent nervousness, she still holds Clarkes eyes with as much intensity as before. Clarke takes the silence that follows as permission to proceed. Their eyes stay locked on one another, but Clarke shifts forward, their perception of personal space with one another had eroded long ago. Clarke hoped their proximity would provoke the truth. Any further forward and Clarke would have been able to feel Lexa's breath on her face and the tangible increase in her heartbeat. When they were this close they always struggle to lie to one another, the truth often tumbling out.

"Lexa, you are not making this decision" Clarke stumbles over her words for a moment briefly, but recovers quickly "are you?" Because of me, Clarke leaves unsaid. Its subtext and Clarke knows Lexa will be able to read between the lines.

Lexa swallows much more noticeably this time and takes a deep breath, readying herself to speak. Her composure as Lexa is in stark contrast to when she is the Commander.

"Clarke, you know I make decisions for my people, with my head and not my heart"

It sounds regretful, the words laced with remorse for her previous actions on Mount Weather, where those very words had been her justification for abandoning Clarke. It is the truth though. Regardless of her betrayal Clarke always knew when she was telling the truth. The inaudible sigh once those words are uttered speaks volumes.

Before Clarke would have felt disgusted by those same words, but right now Clarke is relieved, it may be selfish, but she needed to know the Commander was making this decision, not Lexa. If it had been Lexa, it would have been made for entirely different reasons. Reasons that Clarke would not be able to help but feel responsible for. The nature of their relationship at the moment was making it hard to differentiate who was making these decisions, who she was addressing, the Commander or Lexa. On this issue though, Clarke had needed clarity and she had gotten it.

"Good" she responds.

Clarke thinks she sees traces of the smile from this morning that will be forever etched in her mind. This time Lexa steps forward. They are mere millimetres away from each other now. The tension becoming almost suffocating. It only increases when Lexa lifts her hand slowly from her side and lightly strokes her thumb across Clarkes cheek, brushing away a tear Clarke had not felt escape her eye. It's another gentle gesture, there exchanges seem to be littered with them of late.

"Clarke, I make decisions based on what I believe to be best for my people. You have not coerced me into making this choice. I have always wanted peace for my people"

Lexa corrects herself.

"For our people Clarke".

Lexa waits a moment, both women momentarily speechless, completely lost in one another. It was becoming almost a mantra now, Lexa's constant assurance their people were one. Clarke had attempted to ignore the connation beneath those words, that they were in fact one as well, she was acutely aware the tone in Lexa's voice suggested she hoped they be. The butterflies return at the mere thought. Lexa's mouth twitches, preparing herself to continue. Clarke is immediately drawn to the movement, her mind now snapped back to the present. Lexa's voice upon return is gentle, tender, her tone one she only ever adopts for Clarke.

"Is that all Clarke?"

Clarke knows she has more questions to ask, about the future, the repercussions of the choices they were making. Everything right now just seemed inconsequential. She was being drawn in, the lure stronger than ever. She was not sure how much longer she could withstand it. The repeated use of her name said with such grace and adoration, the proximity of their bodies, their lips. Her head was swimming. The ambience of the room heightening every aspect of the moment. The abundance of candles that illuminate sections of the otherwise dim room. Clarke is drawn to the way they highlight the thin layer of sweat gathered in the hollow of the other woman's neck. The way they make her eyes sparkle, the piercing green accentuated. It feels…romantic.

Lexa senses the tension. She mistakes Clarke's silence entirely, so tries to expand further

"Since our very first meeting Clarke, you have given me the courage, the strength to act in a way which could I could actually achieve it"

Clarke inhales so sharply it's audible to both women. This was all Lexa now, bearing herself, her soul to Clarke. It only takes a fraction of a second for her walls to crumble, her resolve completely failing. Her breath hitches. Lexa's eyes glance down to her lips, the action causes Clarke to do the same. She notices the way Lexa's lips slowly part, her tongue coating her lips. Those are the lips she has dreamt about, even at the depths of her supposed hatred. They would whisper tender words in Clarke's ear, words of praise and encouragement. They would trace her body, worshipping every inch before making their descent lower.

Clarke forces her eyes to travel back up to Lexa's. They meet in almost perfect synchronicity. She knows Lexa needs the reassurance that this is what she wants and so after a small moment she closes the gap. It needed to be her, Lexa had never pushed her and never would. Their lips meet. It's similar to before, gentle, both women fully immersed in the reverie of the moment. This is Clarke giving back.

This time there is no hesitance, this is undeniable, inevitable, everything. It is a kiss of exploration. Clarke is discovering that Lexa's tongue is obscenely talented, far beyond what her dreams could ever had imagined. Lexa is quenching her thirst, the moans she is eliciting from Clarke are something a few days ago she would have never deemed possible. This is her solace, her redemption for her actions on the mountain. Whilst Clarke had sought the comfort of others during their separation, Lexa had no one. She had spent months, wishing, longing to even see Clarke's face again. The wait was worth it, Lexa would have waited forever for this moment.

Eventually they break from the moment to catch their breath. Their foreheads rest against one another. Lexa looks hungrily into Clarkes eyes. They are reflection of one another, pupils dilated, hearts racing, and yearning for more. They are in no way satiated, but for now it was a step forward. Clarke wonders if every kiss with Lexa would take her breathe away like this. That when they would pull away she would feel immediately lost, stranded even. Lexa leans in again, her nose in a repeat of their previous kiss months ago, brushing gently along the end of Clarkes and then edging in slowly to reconnect. This time Clarke does not pull away, she had spent so many months lost in the wilderness and so, she decided she would never pull away again.


End file.
